Because Bamie's mother, Mittie, was often distracted by illness or by her busy social life, Bamie increasingly took a central role in running the Roosevelt household, particularly after the premature death of her father, Thee. In fact, T.R.'s elder daughter Alice remarked that Bamie almost seemed to have been born into middle age, so significant were the adult responsibilities put into her hands from childhood. Unlike many children in a similar situation, Bamie had the natural maturity, judgment, and wisdom to "hold the family together," Alice said. Alice would say of Bamie that she was the most influential person in her entire life. When the young and vivacious Alice became more than her stepmother,
Edith Kermit Carow, or her father could handle, they would send her up to Auntie Bye for a dose of discipline and to give her the structure that the Roosevelts in the White House were not able to impose. Elliott's wife,
Anna Rebecca Hall, had wished for Bamie to have custody of her children,
Eleanor, Elliott Jr., and
Gracie Hall Roosevelt, upon her death. She was separated from her husband, and died young of
diphtheria. Custody of the children was not immediately possible because Elliott was still alive—though exiled by the family because of his alcoholism—and could not be bypassed in the event of litigation. Bamie considered a custody suit but realized that Anna's mother, Mary Livingston Ludlow, would not be willing to give the children into Bamie's care. She did open her home to Eleanor, who was a welcome visitor and made extended stays. Bamie was successful, though, in getting Eleanor out of the oppressive and harrowing home situation by demanding that she be sent to
Allenswood School for girls in
England, where Eleanor developed socially and emotionally. During Eleanor and Alice's childhood, Bamie kept them informed of each other's activities, helping to maintain something of a relationship between the two, though it was a vexing relationship, ranging from sometimes being very close and often a bitter and competitive relationship. She was close to both girls and contributed greatly to their development. ==T.R.'s lifelong confidante==