Sister Monica has visited the Parochial House. As she sits calmly,
Dougal's only idea for conversation is "So, you're a nun?" At that point,
Ted enters, saying they plan to visit the Holy Stone of Clonrichert, and Sister Monica says she will go to freshen up. Dougal says she's wanting to "impress the lads" and is confused when Ted comments on nuns providing "a woman's touch". When Sister Monica returns, Dougal confuses her by saying, "Ted says you were touching him." Meanwhile, in
Jack's room, Jack is sitting motionless in his chair, with many bottles of alcohol and floor polish around him. He appears dead, but Dougal passes him off as merely "very
drunk", saying "I haven't seen him this bad since he disappeared with Sister Imelda" ("the Blue Nun"). Dougal holds up an empty bottle of floor polish called 'Purge: Floor Polish'. Ted lectures Jack on what "the
Windolene did to you" and Sister Monica enters. She checks his pulse, and after also noticing
rigor mortis and
decomposition, concludes that he has died. Sister Monica tells Dougal to perform the
last rites. He demonstrates his incompetence through a long speech, saying, "I don't know if I should be looking up down here or up there, and you're up there with our Lord and
Stalin and
Bob Marley and my parents". When prompted by Monica to say the
Latin, Dougal reads "last rites" consisting of the names of Italian footballers
Alessandro Costacurta and
Roberto Baggio (this stems from
Graham Linehan and
Ardal O'Hanlon being fans of
Football Italia). At Jack's funeral, Mrs Doyle goes around pestering priests to have a
sandwich. Meanwhile, Father Fay and another priest (who is in hysterics) shakes his fist at the ceiling, saying, "You bastard!" and then falls to his knees, exclaiming, "Imagine, Ted!
A Polish Pope! It should've been Jack!" and Father Fay goes crazy, throwing books off the bookshelf. Dougal, later, then fools around, sitting in Jack's old chair and acting like him by uttering his numerous catchphrases, until Ted catches him. Mrs Doyle announces that a woman has come to see the remaining
Craggy Island priests; she is Laura Sweeney, the
executor of Jack's
will, and tells them that Jack was actually very rich and has left £500,000 between Ted and Dougal. However, this bequest is on condition that they spend one night with Jack's body, because of his great fear of being buried alive and of enclosed spaces, a fear which caused him not to take confessions ("also, he just didn't want to do it"). When they tell Miss Sweeney that they'll need to discuss the
inheritance with the
solicitor, they are greatly amused when she tells them that she
is the solicitor, with Dougal telling her "if you're a solicitor, I'm
Boy George". The next scene commences with Dougal sitting by Jack's coffin singing "
Karma Chameleon", and Ted nursing wounds after Miss Sweeney flew into a rage and punched him and swore at him after they did not believe her claims that she was the solicitor. Ted and Dougal then muse about how Jack managed to save up so much money during his life, by never giving to charity and not wearing trousers during summer, among other things. They also comment on him being the first priest to "denounce
the Beatles" ("he could see what they were up to"). Ted remarks that a friend of his, Father Jimmy Ranable, studied under Jack in his youth and praised his teaching methods. When Dougal asks where Jimmy is now, Ted replies "Remember the
Drumshanbo massacre? That was him." Flashbacks are shown of Jack as an especially vicious teacher at a Catholic school, beating male students with a
hurley stick, and telling them they would all burn for eternity in
Hell. He is also shown punching Ted over a game of
chess. Ted and Dougal, bored, then play
charades, at which Dougal fails miserably, before they settle down on the floor in their sleeping bags. Dougal enquires whether Ted believes in an
afterlife, prompting Ted to ask Dougal if he became a priest through sending in "twelve packets of crisps". Dougal also asks how Ted plans to spend his money, with Ted lying to him by telling him he'll give it to charity, while envisioning partying and gambling. While Dougal sleeps, Ted gets up and looks out on the snow falling, quoting from
The Dead as he does so. Father Jack, standing behind him, shouts, "Shut the feck up!", causing Ted to pass out from the shock of seeing him, waking Dougal, who then does the same. Back at the parochial house, with Jack back in his chair, Ted explains that the floor polish had brought about all the symptoms of death, but that it just wore off. The pair, clearly very disappointed at losing out on the inheritance, then head to the shops to buy some more floor polish, suggesting that they might start leaving it round the house, or even in Jack's room, "in case we run out". The episode ends with Jack turning to camera and
telling the audience to "Feck off!" ==Production==