After he messes up his job as
wheeltapper, Inept railway worker William Porter is, through family connections, given the job of
station master at a remote and ramshackle
Northern Irish railway station on the border with the then
Irish Free State. Porter's co-workers are the elderly deputy station master, Harbottle, and the insolent young porter, Albert, who make a living by stealing goods in transit and swapping railway tickets for food. They regale Porter with tales of the deaths and disappearances of previous station masters – each apparently the victim of the ghost of One-Eyed Joe the Miller. On his first morning Porter is awoken by a cow sticking its head through the window of the old railway carriage in which he is sleeping. The cow has been stolen in transit and is being milked by Harbottle, and the team's breakfast consists of bacon made from a litter of piglets which they are supposed to be looking after for a local farmer. Station master Porter tries to renovate the station by painting it, and decides to organise an excursion for the locals. A fight breaks out in the pub as the locals argue about where the excursion should go. Porter escapes to the landlord's rooms, where he meets a one-eyed man who introduces himself as Joe. Joe offers to buy all of the tickets for an away game that the village football team are playing the following day. Porter has actually unknowingly agreed to transport a group of criminal
gun runners to the Irish Free State. Although Porter questions some of the odd packages being loaded onto the train, he accepts Joe's claim that these are goalposts for the game. The train disappears as the smugglers divert it down a disused
branch line near the border. After Porter loses his job due to the misunderstanding he decides to track down the errant engine. The trio find the missing train in a derelict railway tunnel, underneath a supposedly haunted windmill. They are captured by the gun runners, and escape by climbing up the windmill and then climbing down the sails. They couple the criminals' carriages to their own engine, Gladstone, and carry them away from the border at full speed, keeping up steam by burning everything from Harbottle's underwear to the level crossing gates they smash through. Albert climbs on top of the carriage and hits anyone who sticks their head out with a large shovel. Porter writes a note and places it in Harbottle's '
medicine' bottle. He throws it through the window of the station master's office when they pass a large station, alerting the authorities. The entire railway goes into action, closing lines and re-routing trains until Gladstone can crash into a siding where the gun runners are arrested by waiting police. Afterwards, there is a celebration in which Harbottle points out that Gladstone is ninety years old, and Porter claims it is good for another ninety, at which point the engine explodes. Porter, Harbottle and Albert lower their hats in respect. ==Cast==