• "Never read a pop-up book about giraffes." (
Sean Lock) • "I went to the doctor's. I said, 'I've got a problem with the hearing in one of my ears.' He said, 'Are you sure?' I said, 'Yes, I'm definite.'" (Daniel Edison) • "Throwing acid is wrong. In some people's eyes." (
Jimmy Carr) • "My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person - so I can get a better girlfriend." (
Anthony Jeselnik) • "Cricket. No matter who wins, both teams, and all the fans, are losers." (
Frankie Boyle) • "An escalator cannot break, it can only become stairs." (
Mitch Hedberg) • "My movies were the kind they show in prisons and airplanes, because nobody can leave." (
Burt Reynolds) • "I'm on a whiskey diet… I've lost three days already." (
Tommy Cooper) • "It's good to see me, isn't it?" (
Glinda, from the musical
Wicked) • "I have nothing to declare except my genius." (
Oscar Wilde, upon arriving at US customs, 1882) • "They hired a 3-piece band that was so lousy, every time the waiter dropped a tray, we all got up and danced!" (
Les Dawson) • "What a magnificent show this is going to be when it starts!" (
Ken Dodd) • "I have a girlfriend! I've been going out with my girlfriend for… sex!" (
Stewart Francis) • "I have an L-shaped sofa… Lowercase." (
Demetri Martin) • "Crime in multi-story car parks is wrong on so many different levels." (
Tim Vine) • "My wife – it's difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore." (
Milton Jones) • "In Scotland the forbidden fruit is fruit." (
Gary Delaney) • "Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat." (
Joe Lycett) • "I was so ugly; my mother had morning sickness after I was born" (
Rodney Dangerfield) • "I went out on a date with Simile. I don’t know what I metaphor." (
Tim Vine) == See also ==