As a child, Virgil Starkwell is a frequent target of bullies, who take his glasses and stamp on them on the floor. In school, he scores well on an IQ test. When he steals a fountain pen, his teacher instructs the class to close their eyes so the thief can return it. While all eyes are closed, Virgil returns the pen, but takes the opportunity to "feel" all the girls. As an adult, Virgil is clumsy and socially awkward. Stealing a gun to rob an armored truck, during a shootout with the guards, he finds that his gun is a cigarette lighter. Arrested, Virgil attempts an escape from prison using a bar of soap carved to resemble a gun, but his "gun" dissolves in the rain. He is sentenced to an additional two years but is released on bail after he volunteers to receive an experimental vaccine, following which he briefly becomes an ultra-Orthodox Jew. Out on
parole, Virgil's attempt to rob a local pet shop fails when a gorilla chases him away. In the park, he meets Louise; after 15 minutes he knows he is in love and wants to marry her, after 30 minutes he gives up the idea of snatching her purse. Virgil steals coins from a gumball machine, paying for dinner with nickels. Virgil's attempt to rob a bank is stymied by an argument about his handwriting on a demand note. The cashier asks what ''"I am pointing a 'gub' at you"
means, and Virgil insists it says "gun"''; the cashier's supervisor asks what
"Abt natural" means. Virgil insists it's
"act natural". While over a dozen bank employees attempt to decipher the note, the police arrive. Virgil is sentenced to ten years in
maximum security. He asks Louise to bake him a cake with a gun in it and a dozen chocolate cookies with a bullet in each (she does not). Virgil joins a mass breakout plan, but the guards become suspicious when all their uniforms are missing from the laundry. The breakout is called off, and Virgil is the only inmate not informed, but manages to escape anyway. Virgil marries Louise, but finds it difficult to support his family. Lying about his background, he is hired in the mailroom. He is eventually blackmailed by a fellow employee, Miss Blair, who forces him into a romantic relationship. Deciding to kill his blackmailer, he disguises sticks of dynamite as candles. He attempts to run her over with his car, but she evades it. He attempts to stab her with a knife, but grabs a turkey leg by mistake and stabs her with it. She finally lights the "candles" that explode. Another bank robbery is botched when a second gang also holds up the bank, and the customers vote that they prefer the other gang to rob the bank. Virgil is sentenced to ten years on a
chain gang, where he is tortured in a penalty box with an insurance salesman. Virgil eventually asks another prisoner whether his aim is good enough to smash his chain with a sledgehammer; his aim misses and Virgil's foot is hit instead. Virgil and five other prisoners—including two black prisoners—all chained together later make a break for it while on work detail. Attempting to scatter, they do not get very far. They take an old woman hostage, telling her to pretend to the police that they are her cousins and attempting to hide their chains by standing close together and moving in unison. They knock out the officer and escape, hiding out with Louise. Virgil is eventually recaptured attempting to rob a former friend who is now a policeman. Virgil is tried on fifty-two counts of robbery and sentenced to eight hundred years, but remains optimistic reasoning, "with good behavior, he can cut the sentence in half." Virgil is later carving a bar of soap and asking an interviewer making a documentary about his life if it is raining outside. ==Cast==