While the underlying rationale and approach to I-messages is similar in various systems, there are both three-part and four-part models for constructing I-messages. The simplest form, as frequently taught, is a single two-part sentence: • When you... (objective event; 1st event), • I feel... (subjective feeling; 2nd event). It should be cautioned that "when you..." should be based on an objective event and avoid claims regarding intent. "When you said my birthday was in the wrong month, I felt like you don't care about me," is preferred over, "When you act like you don't care about me and my birthday..." This allows people talking to focus on events and feelings as separate events, which both allows people to express their feelings more clearly and helps clarify the initial event and reach agreement between parties. A three-part model is proposed by the University of Tennessee Family & Consumer Sciences for improving communication with children: • I feel... (Insert feeling word) • when... (tell what caused the feeling). • I would like... (tell what you want to happen instead). According to Hope E. Morrow, a common pitfall in I-statement construction is using phrases like "I feel that..." or "I like that..." which typically express an opinion or judgment, such as "I feel that you don't care" or "I feel that you don't do your fair share of the work". Morrow favors following "I feel..." with a feeling such as "sad", "angry", etc. Gordon advises that to use an I-message successfully, there should be congruence between the words one is using and one's
affect,
tone of voice,
facial expression and
body language. Gordon also describes a 3-part I-message, called a "confrontive" I-message, with the following parts: • non-blameful description of the listener's behavior • the effect of that behavior on the speaker • the speaker's feelings about that effect He describes the I-message as an appeal for help from the other person, and states that the other person is more likely to respond positively when the message is presented in that way.
Conflict resolution When an "I" message contains "you-messages", conflict situations can be harder to address. For example: "I feel..., when you..., and I want you to..." This can put the receiver of the statement on the defensive. In a dispute, use of a phrase that begins with "I want" may encourage the parties to engage in positional
problem solving. Positional problem solving is stating the outcome that the person wants, rather than the reason the person wants the problem solved. For example, "I want you to take out the trash every night" is positional problem solving, and "I don't want the kitchen to smell bad" is the reason. Declaring a single acceptable solution at the start makes many conflicts more difficult to resolve. An "interest-based" approach to conflict resolution suggests using statements that reflect why the individual wants something. The goals of an "I" message in an interest-based approach: • to avoid using "you" statements that will escalate the conflict • to respond in a way that will de-escalate the conflict • to identify feelings • to identify behaviors that are causing the conflict • to help individuals resolve the present conflict and/or prevent future conflicts.
Shifting gears Thomas Gordon writes, "Although I-messages are more likely to influence others to change than You-messages, still it is a fact that being confronted with the prospect of having to change is often disturbing to the changee." A quick shift by the sender of the I-message to an
active listening posture can achieve several important functions in this situation, according to Gordon. He states that in Leader Effectiveness Training courses, this is called "shifting gears", and states that the person might shift back to an I-message later in the conversation. ==Use of the concept==