In the Soviet Union, telling political jokes could be regarded as a type of
extreme sport: according to
Article 58 (RSFSR Penal Code), "
anti-Soviet propaganda" was a potentially
capital offense. • A judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. "I just heard the funniest joke in the world!" "Well, go ahead, tell me!" says the other judge. "I can't – I just gave someone ten years for it!" • "Who built the
White Sea Canal?" – “The left bank was built by those who told the jokes, and the right bank by those who listened.” according to him, "
Communism was a humour-producing machine. Its economic theories and system of repression created inherently amusing situations. There were jokes under
fascism and the
Nazis too, but those systems did not create an absurd, laugh-a-minute reality like communism."
Early Soviet times Jokes from these times have a certain historical value, depicting the character of the epoch almost as well as long novels might. • Midnight
Petrograd... A
Red Guards night watch spots a shadow trying to sneak by. "Stop! Who goes there? Documents!" The frightened person chaotically rummages through his pockets and drops a paper. The Guards chief picks it up and reads slowly, with difficulty: "U.ri.ne A.na.ly.sis"... "Hmm...a foreigner, sounds like..." "A spy, looks like.... Let's shoot him on the spot!" Then he reads further: Proteins: none, Sugars: none, Fats: none...' You are free to go,
proletarian comrade! Long live the
World revolution!"
Communism According to
Marxist–Leninist theory,
communism in the strict sense is the final stage of evolution of a society after it has passed through the
socialism stage. The Soviet Union thus cast itself as a socialist country trying to build communism, which was supposed to be a
classless society. • The principle of the
state capitalism of the period of transition to communism: the authorities pretend they are paying wages, workers pretend they are working. Alternatively, "So long as the bosses pretend to pay us, we will pretend to work." This joke persisted essentially unchanged through the 1980s. Satirical verses and parodies made fun of official Soviet propaganda slogans. }} Some jokes allude to notions long forgotten. These relics are still funny, but may look strange.
Gulag • "Three
gulag inmates are telling each other what they’re in for. The first one says: 'I was five minutes late for work, and they charged me with
sabotage.' The second says: 'For me it was just the opposite: I was five minutes early for work, and they charged me with
espionage.' The third one says: 'I got to work right on time, and they charged me with harming the Soviet economy by acquiring a watch in a capitalist country. • Three men are sitting in a cell in
Lubyanka prison. The first asks the second why he has been imprisoned, who replies, "Because I criticized
Karl Radek." The first man responds, "But I am here because I spoke out in favor of Radek!" They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him why he is in jail. He answers, "I'm Karl Radek." • "
Lubyanka (KGB headquarters) is the tallest building in Moscow. You can see Siberia from its basement." •
Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it true that conditions in our
labor camps are excellent?" Armenian Radio answers: "It is true. Five years ago a listener of ours raised the same question and was sent to one, reportedly to investigate the issue. He hasn't returned yet; we are told that he liked it there." • "Comrade
Brezhnev, is it true that you collect political jokes?" – "Yes" – "And how many have you collected so far?" – "Three and a half labor camps." (Compare with a similar
East German joke about
Stasi.) • A new arrival to Gulag is asked: "What were you given ten years for?" – "For nothing!" – "Don't lie to us here, now! Everybody knows 'for nothing' is three years." (This joke was reported from the pre-
Great Purge times. Later 'for nothing' was elevated to five and even ten years.)
Gulag Archipelago Alexander Solzhenitsyn's book
The Gulag Archipelago has a chapter entitled "
Zeks as a Nation", which is a mock ethnographic essay intended to "prove" that the inhabitants of the Gulag Archipelago constitute a separate
nation according to "the
only scientific definition of nation given by comrade
Stalin". As part of this research, Solzhenitsyn analyzes the humor of zeks (
gulag inmates). Some examples: • "He was sentenced to three years, served five, and then he got lucky and was released ahead of time." (The joke alludes to the common practice described by Solzhenitsyn of arbitrarily extending the term of a sentence or adding new charges.) In a similar vein, when someone asked for more of something, e.g. more boiled water in a cup, the typical retort was, "
The prosecutor will give you more!" (In Russian: "Прокурор добавит!") • "Is it hard to be in the gulag?" – "Only for the first ten years." • When the quarter-century term had become the standard sentence for contravening
Article 58, the standard joke comment to the freshly sentenced was: "OK, now 25 years of life are guaranteed for you!"
Censorship Armenian Radio The Armenian Radio or "Radio Yerevan" jokes have the format, "ask us whatever you want, we will answer you whatever we want". They supply snappy or ambiguous answers to questions on politics, commodities, the economy or other subjects that were taboo during the Communist era. Questions and answers from this fictitious radio station are known even outside Russia.
Pravda and Izvestia From the 1960s until the early 1980s, the Soviet Union had three major national newspapers:
Pravda ("Truth"),
Izvestia ("News"), and
Krasnaya Zvezda ("Red Star"). All three were controlled and censored by the government, (). Variant translations include: "In the
Truth there is no news, and in the
News there is no truth". • A secretary (in some versions
Alexander Poskrebyshev) is standing outside the Kremlin as
Marshal Zhukov leaves a meeting with Stalin, and he hears him muttering under his breath, "Murderous moustache!" He runs in to see Stalin and breathlessly reports, "I just heard Zhukov say 'Murderous moustache'!" Stalin dismisses the secretary and sends for Zhukov, who comes back in. "Who did you have in mind with 'Murderous moustache'?" asks Stalin. "Why, Josef Vissarionovich,
Hitler, of course!" Stalin thanks him, dismisses him, and calls the secretary back. "And who did
you think he was talking about?" • At a
May Day parade, a very old Jew carries a placard that reads, "Thank you, comrade Stalin, for my happy childhood!" A Party representative approaches the old man. "What's that? Are you mocking our
Party? Everyone can see that when you were a child, comrade Stalin hadn't yet been born!" The old man replies, "That's precisely why I'm grateful to him!" • Stalin loses his favourite pipe. In a few days,
Lavrentiy Beria calls Stalin: "Have you found your pipe?" "Yes," replies Stalin. "I found it under the sofa." "This is impossible!" exclaims Beria. "Three people have already confessed they stole it!"
Khrushchev ; now more than ever
CDU" Jokes about
Nikita Khrushchev often relate to his attempts to reform the economy, especially to introduce
maize. He was even called
kukuruznik ('maizeman'). Other jokes target the crop failures resulting from his mismanagement of agriculture, his innovations in urban architecture, his confrontation with the US while importing US consumer goods, his promises to build
communism in 20 years, or simply his baldness and crude manners. • Khrushchev visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In the newspaper office, a discussion is underway about how to caption the picture. "Comrade Khrushchev among pigs", "Comrade Khrushchev and pigs", and "Pigs surround comrade Khrushchev" are all rejected as politically offensive. Finally, the editor announces his decision: "Third from left – comrade Khrushchev." • Why was Khrushchev defeated? Because of the Seven "C"s: Cult of personality, Communism, China, Cuban Crisis, Corn, and Cuzka's mother. (In Russian, this is the seven "K"s. To "show somebody
Kuzka's mother" is a Russian idiom meaning "to give somebody a hard time". Khrushchev had used this phrase during a speech at the
United Nations General Assembly, allegedly referring to the
Tsar Bomba test over
Novaya Zemlya.) • Khrushchev, surrounded by his aides and bodyguards, surveys an art exhibition. "What the hell is this green circle with yellow spots all over?" he asked. His aide answered, "This painting, comrade Khrushchev, depicts our heroic peasants fighting for the fulfillment of the plan to produce two hundred million tons of grain." "Ah-h... And what is this black triangle with red stripes?" "This painting shows our heroic industrial workers in a factory." "And what is this arse with ears?" "Comrade Khrushchev, this is not a painting, this is a mirror." (The joke alludes to the
Manege Affair, Khrushchev's thunderous denouncing of
modern art at an exhibition at the
Moscow Manege.)
Brezhnev Leonid Brezhnev was depicted as dim-witted,
senile, always reading his speeches from paper, and prone to
delusions of grandeur. • Have you heard, Brezhnev had a chest-expansion surgery? – To make more space for new medals. • This makes reference to Brezhnev's vanity and frequent granting of decorations to him by sycophants and sometimes even to himself, by himself. • One morning at dawn, Brezhnev awoke to see the sun rising. He called out "Good morning, our red sun!" the sun replied, "Good morning, Leonid Il'ich, I wish you new successes for the good of the Motherland." At noon Brezhnev stepped outside and saw the sun high in the heavens. He called out "Good afternoon, bright sun!" The sun replied, "Good afternoon, Leonid Il'ich! I congratulate you on becoming the newest Marshal of the Soviet Union!" As evening approached, Brezhnev stepped outside and saw the sun going down. He called out, "Good evening, golden sun!" The sun replied, "Go to hell, you old jackass! I'm in the West now!" • :There was the same
East German joke about
Erich Honecker. • At the
1980 Summer Olympics, Brezhnev begins his speech: "O!"–applause. "O!"–more applause. "O!"–yet more applause. "O!"–an ovation. "O!!!"–a standing ovation from the whole audience. An aide comes running to the podium and whispers, "Leonid Ilyich, those are the
Olympic logo rings, you don't need to read all of them!" • "Leonid Ilyich!..." / "Come on, no formalities among comrades. Just call me 'Ilyich'." (Note: In Soviet parlance, by itself "Ilyich" refers by default to
Vladimir Lenin, and "Just call me 'Ilyich was a line from a
well-known poem about Lenin, written by
Mayakovsky.) • Brezhnev makes a speech: "Everyone in the
Politburo has dementia. Comrade
Pelshe doesn't recognize himself: I say 'Hello, comrade Pelshe', and he responds 'Hello, Leonid Ilyich, but I'm not Pelshe.' Comrade
Gromyko is like a child – he's taken my rubber donkey from my desk. And during comrade
Grechko's funeral – by the way, why is he absent? – nobody but me thought of inviting a lady for a dance when the music started playing." Quite a few jokes capitalized on the cliché used in Soviet speeches of the time: "Dear Leonid Ilyich". • The phone rings, Brezhnev picks up the receiver: "Hello, this is dear Leonid Ilyich..."
Geriatric leadership During Brezhnev's time, the leadership of the
Communist Party became increasingly
geriatric. By the time of his death in 1982, the median age of the
Politburo was 70. Brezhnev's successor,
Yuri Andropov, died in 1984. His successor,
Konstantin Chernenko, died in 1985.
Rabinovich said he did not have to buy tickets to the funerals, as he had a subscription to these events. As Andropov's bad health became common knowledge (he was eventually attached to a
dialysis machine), several jokes made the rounds: • "Why did Brezhnev go abroad, while Andropov did not? Because Brezhnev ran on batteries, but Andropov needed an outlet." (A reference to Brezhnev's
pacemaker and Andropov's
dialysis machine.) • "What is the main difference between succession under the
tsarist regime and under socialism?" "Under the tsarist regime, power was transferred from father to son, and under socialism – from grandfather to grandfather." (A play on words: in Russian, 'grandfather' is traditionally used in the sense of 'old man'.) •
TASS announcement: "Today, due to bad health and without regaining consciousness, Konstantin Ustinovich Chernenko took up the duties of Secretary General." (The first element in the sentence is the customary form of words at the beginning of state leaders' obituaries.) • Another TASS announcement: "Dear comrades, of course you're going to laugh, but the Communist Party of the Soviet Union, and the entire Soviet nation, has
again suffered a great loss." The phrase "of course you're going to laugh" (вы, конечно, будете смеяться) is a staple of the
Odesa humor and way of speech, and the joke itself is a remake of a hundred-year-old one.
Gorbachev Mikhail Gorbachev was occasionally mocked for his poor grammar, but perestroika-era jokes usually made fun of his slogans and ineffective actions, his
birth mark ("Satan's mark"),
Raisa Gorbacheva's poking her nose everywhere, and Soviet–American relations. • In a restaurant: • Why are the
meatballs cube-shaped? •
Perestroika! (restructuring) • Why are they undercooked? •
Uskoreniye! (acceleration) • Why have they got a bite out of them? •
Gospriyomka! (state approval) • Why are you telling me all this so brazenly? •
Glasnost! (openness)
Washington Oblast committee •
Ronald Reagan awakens, in a cold sweat. His wife asks: • Ronnie, what happened? • My dear, I've had a nightmare. It's the twenty-sixth
CPSU congress and
Brezhnev says: "Dear comrades, we have listened to reports about situation in
Bryansk and
Oryol oblasts. Now, let's listen to the First Secretary of the
Washington oblast Party committee, comrade Reagan." And you know what? I was not prepared!
"The Soviet Union is the homeland of elephants" In its declaration of national glories, the Soviet government claimed at various times, such as through
Pravda publications, to have invented the airplane, steam engine, radio, and lightbulb, and promoted the pseudoscientific agricultural claims of
Lysenko as part of Stalinist
pseudohistory. An anecdote from
Andrei Sakharov includes "(1) classics of Marxism–Leninism–Stalinism on elephants; (2) Russia, the elephants' homeland, (3) the Soviet elephant, the world's best elephant (4) the Belorussian elephant, the Russian elephant's little brother."
Daily Soviet life • "We pretend to work, and they pretend to pay." (The joke hints at low productivity and subsistence-level wages within the Soviet economy.) • Five precepts of the Soviet
intelligentsia (intellectuals): • Don't think. • If you think, then don't speak. • If you think and speak, then don't write. • If you think, speak and write, then don't sign. • If you think, speak, write and sign, then don't be surprised. • Seven wonders of the Soviet planned economy: • There's no unemployment, but nobody works. • Nobody works, but the
plan gets fulfilled. • The plan is fulfilled, but there's nothing to buy. • There's nothing to buy, but there are lines everywhere. • There are lines everywhere, but every fridge is full. • Every fridge is full, but no one is satisfied. • No one is satisfied, but everyone still votes for CPSU. • A regional Communist Party meeting is held to celebrate the anniversary of the
Great October Socialist Revolution. The chairman gives a speech: "Dear comrades! Let's look at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution. For example, Maria here, who was she before the revolution? An illiterate peasant; she had but one dress and no shoes. And now? She is an exemplary milkmaid known throughout the entire region. Or look at Ivan Andreev, he was the poorest man in this village; he had no horse, no cow, and not even an ax. And now? He is a tractor driver with two pairs of shoes! Or Trofim Semenovich Alekseev – he was a nasty hooligan, a drunk, and a dirty gadabout. Nobody would trust him with as much as a snowdrift in wintertime, as he would steal anything he could get his hands on. And now he's Secretary of the
Regional Party Committee!" Some jokes ridiculed the level of indoctrination in the Soviet Union's education system: • "My wife has been going to cooking school for three years." / "She must really cook well by now!" / "No, so far they've only got as far as the bit about the
Twentieth CPSU Congress." Quite a few jokes poke fun at the permanent shortages in various shops. • A man walks into a shop and asks, "You wouldn't happen to have any fish, would you?" The shop assistant replies, "You've got it wrong – ours is a butcher's shop. We don't have any meat. You're looking for the fish shop across the road.
They wouldn't happen to have any fish!" • An American man and a Soviet man died on the same day and went to Hell together. The Devil told them: "You may choose to enter two different types of Hell: the first is the American-style one, where you can do anything you like, but only on condition of eating a bucketful of manure every day; the second is the Soviet-style hell, where you can
also do anything you like, but only on condition of eating
two bucketfuls of manure a day." The American chose the American-style Hell, and the Soviet man chose the Soviet-style one. A few months later, they met again. The Soviet man asked the American: "Hi, how are you getting on?" The American said: "I can't stand the bucketful of manure every day! How about you?" The Soviet man replied: "Well, I'm fine: it is either a shortage of manure, or somebody stole all buckets." A subgenre of the above-mentioned type of joke targets
shortages of commodities, with wait times in sign-up queues that could be counted in years. • "I want to sign up for the waiting list for a car. How long is it?" / "Precisely ten years from today." / "Morning or evening?" / "Why, what difference does it make?" / "The plumber's due in the morning." The above joke was famously mentioned by
US President Ronald Reagan multiple times. == Russian Federation ==