The show featured many characters and sketches. Some of the more prominent recurring characters/sketches are: •
"Unlucky" Alf (
Paul Whitehouse), a lonely old pensioner living somewhere in Northern England for whom nothing ever goes right. He often predicts an unfortunate, but obvious, event, only to encounter a worse event as he tries to avoid the first problem. His catchphrase is his resigned "Oh bugger!" as something terrible happens. (all series) •
"Anyone fancy a pint?" (Whitehouse), a man who finds himself in boring or bizarre situations, such as a dinner party where a woman is talking about how she was abandoned as a child and crying about everyone letting her down. Whitehouse then interrupts at the most insensitive moment asking "Anyone fancy a pint?", before he and most of the men in the room leave. One early sketch featured Higson portraying an earnest
claymation animator (a parody of
Nick Park) who describes the animation process in excruciatingly tedious detail by moving each feature "just a tiny amount" until Whitehouse's character sneaks away, whispering the punch line. According to an audio commentary as part of the extras in
The Ultimate Fast Show Collection, Park loved the sketch and sent copies of it to friends and family that year as a video Christmas card. •
Archie the pub bore (Whitehouse). An elderly
teddy boy like character with bad teeth, who talks to random people in the pub, and when they mention their profession, no matter what it is and however unlikely, he always claims to have had the same profession ("I used to be a single mother myself"), saying that it is the "hardest game in the world. Thirty years, man and boy!" He has an obsession with
Frank Sinatra, almost invariably steering the conversation towards the singer and weakly singing the title line of "
High Hopes", after mentioning how he and his friend Stan fared on a recent fishing trip, with Stan apparently being utterly hopeless at the pastime. (Whitehouse, Series 3) •
Arthur Atkinson (Whitehouse), parody of 1940s music hall entertainers such as
Max Miller and
Arthur Askey, introduced by Tommy Cockles (Day), himself a parody of presenters of TV history. Atkinson delivers mostly nonsensical jokes, and repeats his two signature phrases "How queer!" and "Where's me washboard?" This never fails to make the audience laugh (indicated by stock footage of real 1940s comedy show audiences). The only exception was a huge scandal caused by Atkinson saying the word "
shit" in public. Atkinson's long-suffering sidekick Chester Drawers (Thomson) also appears, usually to an empty theatre, only for it to fill again as soon as Atkinson returns to the stage. Off camera, Atkinson is portrayed as a lecherous bully and sketches in later series feature him struggling to fit into the changing styles of comedy in the 1960s and 1970s (all series) •
Billy Bleach (
Simon Day), tousle-mopped, interfering pub know-it-all who gets it all wrong, usually ending up with others losing money. His catchphrases include "Hold the bells" and "Someone's sitting there, mate". This character starred in his own series,
Grass which was shown on
BBC Three, later on
BBC Two. (all series) •
Bob Fleming (
Charlie Higson), the ageing, incompetent
Norfolk host of
Country Matters, who has an extremely bad cough. His surname is a pun on
phlegm-ing.
Country matters may be a Shakespearean euphemism for
cunnilingus, from
Hamlet. In addition to Bob, two of his friends – Clive Tucker, who cannot stop shouting 'Arse!' (Whitehouse) and Jed Thomas, who cannot stop sneezing (Williams) – make regular appearances on his show. These two characters switched names from series 2 onwards. (all series) •
Brilliant Kid (Whitehouse). In the first draft of the script for the pilot, this character was called Eric and was described as "a young
Yorkshire man" but in the series he is never named. He delivers an edited monologue listing everyday things, all of which he declares to be "brilliant!" or "fantastic!" as he walks through a series of random backgrounds (filmed in various locations ranging from the
Tees Valley to
Iceland) during which the quality and format of the images also randomly changes (e.g., from colour to
black-and-white). In one episode he expresses doubt about whether everything really is 'brilliant' or not, and as he is walking through one background, an abandoned funfair, he debates with himself halfheartedly ("Everything
is brilliant... right? I mean... it might not be... nah, it is!") (all series) •
Carl Hooper (Day), Australian presenter of ''That's Amazing'', a spoof of pop-science shows, in particular the Australian show
The Curiosity Show. Normally such a person would try to pass off an everyday animal or object as something magical. The one occasion where a guest had a truly amazing story to tell was not able to be broadcast due to the guest's inability to refrain from swearing excitedly while relating the tale (all series) •
Chanel 9 (Whitehouse, Paul Shearer, Day,
Caroline Aherne), a low-budget television channel from a country known only as "Republicca", or full title "Republicca Democratia Militaria" ruled by "El Presidente" who resembles a stereotypical Latin American dictator. Spoken in a concocted language loosely based on Italian, Greek, Spanish and Portuguese, mashed together with nonsensical phrases (e.g., "sminky pinky") and incongruous English names and words (e.g. footballer
Chris Waddle). Early segments featured the Chanel 9 Neus, read by anchormen Poutremos Poutra-Poutros - later Poutremos Poutra-Poutremos (Whitehouse) and Kolothos Apollonia (Shearer), followed by the weather forecast with meteorologist Poula Fisch (Aherne), invariably reporting a temperature for all locations of 45 °C (113 °F) while exclaiming "Scorchio!" with apparent surprise. Later series would feature other Channel 9 programs including a children's channel (featuring an animation in the style of
Dušan Vukotić's Oscar-winning 1961 animated film
Surogat), a
variety show and, in the 1996 Christmas special, a rock opera titled 'Holy Sprog'. •
Chip Cobb (
John Thomson), the deaf stuntman, a TV and film stuntman who, because of his hearing problems, always mishears his instructions and proceeds to carry them out incorrectly before anyone can stop him, much to the despair of the film crew. In the
East Midlands of England, a "chip cob" is a sandwich of chips made with a bread roll (known locally as a "cob"). (Thomson, series 3) •
Chris the Crafty Cockney (Whitehouse), claims to be an incurable
kleptomaniac ("I'll nick anything, me"). He is left alone with something valuable and invariably steals it. Because of how upfront he is about his thieving nature, most people tend to believe he is joking. In one sketch, he even alludes to being an actual clinical kleptomaniac and involuntarily steals from his friend Dan after Dan trusts him to watch his newspaper stall, after extensively warning him of the risks involved in doing so. (series 2–3) •
Colin Hunt (Higson), unfunny and irritating office joker. Very socially inept, he compensates with humour by repeating catchphrases or making other extraneous cultural references ad nauseam (“The bells, Esmerelda, the bells!”), as well as multi-coloured clothing, and never being able to answer a question without adding one nonsensical remark after another. (series 2–3) •
Competitive Dad (Day), (series 2–3) Overcritical and demanding of his kids, he always has to get one up on them. For instance; playing a game of squash with his young son as though he were playing another adult skilled at the game, "Come on Toby!" Day explained in an interview that he had based the idea for the character on a man he noticed in a public swimming pool who challenged his two young children to a race. Day thought he would let them win, but instead he took off and stood on the other end of the pool waiting for his toddler sons to struggle their way across the pool. Day thought of it as "sick". •
Professor Denzil Dexter (Thomson), bespectacled, long-haired, bearded and highly laid-back scientist at the
University of Southern California who conducts bizarre scientific experiments. (series 1–2, online series) •
Different With Boys (
Arabella Weir), a woman who is assertive and assured (sometimes to the point of over-confidence or bullying) when in the company of other women, but becomes coy, giggly and childishly winsome whenever a man enters the room. The character debuted in series 1 during a small segment in the credits, but only became a recurring character later on. (series 2) • The
13th Duke of Wybourne (Whitehouse), posh, rumpled dinner-jacketed, lecherous cigar smoker, reminisces about finding himself in wholly unsuitable places, generally involving women, considering his "reputation". His only line is his signature phrase, which is always in the same format, but details vary – such as "Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here, in a women's prison at 3 AM? With my reputation? What were they thinking?" (series 3) • The
Fat Sweaty Coppers, a squad of police officers who cannot do their job properly as they are extremely overweight due to their constant eating and drinking. Some of these sketches were preceded by a parody of the opening of
ITV police procedural The Bill. Two sets of legs would be shown walking down a street, dropping sweet wrappers, disposable cups and fast food containers as they go. Another sketch parodies the 1994 movie
Speed. (Thomson and Weir included, series 1-2) • '''Girl Men Can't Hear'
(Weir), a woman who tries to put forward an idea to a group of men but is completely ignored, only for a man in that group to repeat what she has just said and receive congratulations from the others for having had such a good idea. This character was invented by Weir to parody similar experiences she had had with the men in the Fast Show'' team. (series 3, online series) •
Ken and Kenneth (Whitehouse and Williams), two tailors in a men's formal wear shop, who bombard potential customers with sexually explicit innuendo about their private life, frequently interjecting the catchphrase "Ooh! Suit you, sir!," much to the discomfort of the customer. They become confused and even frightened in two episodes; one when they get a customer who is gay, and another with a customer (Day) who is as willing to talk about sexual proclivities as they are. Due to Williams's absence from the online series, his character Kenneth was written out and replaced by Kenton, played by Charlie Higson. (Ken and Kenneth: series 1,2,3; Ken and Kenton: online specials) •
Louis Balfour (Thomson), pretentious and ultra laid-back presenter of
Jazz Club (a parody of
The Old Grey Whistle Test), based on a blend of
Bob Harris and
Roger Moore. •
Andy (Day), a married man who is an office worker that assumes every woman that talks to him in the office is wanting to have an affair. (series 1) •
Trudi (Weir), a female singer who makes several appearances on Chanel 9. (all series) •
Mikki Disco (Higson), a male singer who make several appearances on Chanel 9. (series 2–3) • The
Dog Trainer (Eryl Maynard), a female dog trainer who tells the viewers about her dog Quail's exercises, but when she repeatedly tells him to do it, every time Quail doesn't budge; until she sheepishly says "he's never done that before" to the viewers. The final time she was seen, she got really angry at Quail not moving an inch at an obstacle course. (series 3) == Johnny Depp ==