Aninut . The first stage of mourning is
aninut, or ()."
Aninut lasts until the burial is over, or, if a mourner is unable to attend the funeral, until the moment he is no longer involved with the funeral itself. An
onen (a person in
aninut) is considered to be in a state of total shock and disorientation. Thus the
onen is exempt from performing
mitzvot that require action (and attention), such as
praying and reciting blessings, wearing
tefillin (phylacteries), in order to be able to tend unhindered to the funeral arrangements. However the
onen is still obligated in commandments that forbid an action (such as not violating the Shabbat).
Avelut Aninut is immediately followed by
avelut (). An
avel ("mourner") does not listen to
music or go to
concerts, and does not attend any joyous events or parties such as
marriages or
bar or bat mitzvahs, unless absolutely necessary. (If the date for such an event has already been set prior to the death, it is strictly forbidden for it to be postponed or cancelled.) The occasion of a
brit milah is typically an exception to this rule, but with restrictions that differ according to tradition.
Avelut consists of three distinct periods.
Shiva – seven days , ca 1884 The first stage of
avelut is
shiva (), a week-long period of grief and
mourning. Observance of
shiva is referred to by
English-speaking Jews as "sitting
shiva". During this period, mourners traditionally gather in one home and receive visitors. When they get home, the mourners refrain for a week from showering or bathing, wearing leather shoes or jewelry, or shaving. In many communities, mirrors in the mourners' home are covered since they should not be concerned about their personal appearance. It is customary for the mourners to sit on low stools or even the floor, symbolic of the emotional reality of being "brought low" by the grief. The meal of consolation (
''seudat havra'ah''), the first meal eaten on returning from the funeral, traditionally consists of hard-boiled
eggs and other round or oblong foods. This is often credited to the Biblical story of
Jacob purchasing the birthright from
Esau with stewed
lentils (
Genesis 25:34); it is traditionally stated that Jacob was cooking the lentils soon after the death of his grandfather
Abraham. During
shiva, family and friends come to visit or call on the mourners to comfort them ("
shiva calls"). This is considered a great
mitzvah (commandment) of kindness and compassion. Traditionally, no greetings are exchanged and visitors wait for the mourners to initiate conversation. The mourner is under no obligation to engage in conversation and may, in fact, completely ignore their visitors. Visitors will traditionally take on the hosting role when attending a Shiva, often bringing food and serving it to the mourning family and other guests. The mourning family will often avoid any cooking or cleaning during the Shiva period; those responsibilities become those of visitors. There are various customs as to what to say when taking leave of the mourner(s). One of the most common is to say to them: :הַמָּקוֹם יְנַחֵם אֶתְכֶם בְּתוֹךְ שְׁאָר אֲבֵלֵי צִיּוֹן וִירוּשָׁלָיִם :''Hamakom y'nachem etkhem b'tokh sha'ar avelei tziyon viyrushalayim'': :"May
The Omnipresent comfort you (pl.) among the mourners of
Zion and
Jerusalem" Depending on their community's customs, others may also add such wishes as: "You should have no more ''tza'ar
(distress)" or "You should have only simchas
(celebrations)" or "we should hear only besorot tovot'' (good tidings) from each other" or "I wish you a long life". Traditionally,
prayer services are organized in the house of mourning. It is customary for the family to lead the services themselves.
Shloshim – thirty days The thirty-day period following burial (including
shiva) is known as
shloshim (). During
shloshim, a mourner is forbidden to marry or to attend a
seudat mitzvah (religious festive meal). Men do not shave or get haircuts during this time. Since Judaism teaches that a deceased person can still benefit from the merit of
mitzvot (commandments) performed in their memory, it is considered a special privilege to bring merit to the departed by
learning Torah in their name. A popular custom amongst Orthodox Jews is to coordinate a group of people who will jointly study the complete
Mishnah during the
shloshim period. This is due to the fact that "Mishnah" (משנה) and "Neshamah" (נשמה), soul, have the same (Hebrew) letters.
Shneim asar chodesh – twelve months Those mourning a parent additionally observe a twelve-month period (), counted from the day of death. During this period, most activity returns to normal, although the mourners continue to recite the
Kaddish as part of synagogue services for eleven months. In Orthodox tradition, this is an obligation of the sons (not daughters) as mourners. There remain restrictions on attending festive occasions and large gatherings, especially where live music is performed.
Unveiling of the tombstone A
headstone (tombstone) is known as a
matzevah (Hebrew: "pillar", "statue", or "monument"). Although there is no
halakhic obligation to hold an unveiling ceremony (the ritual became popular in many communities toward the end of the 19th century), there are varying customs about when it should be placed on the grave. Most communities have an unveiling ceremony a year after the death. Some communities have it earlier, even a week after the burial. In Israel it is done after the
shloshim (the first 30 days of mourning). There is no universal restriction about the timing, other than the unveiling cannot be held during Shabbat, (work-restricted) Jewish holidays, or
Chol Ha'Moed. This is followed by the Mourner's Kaddish (if a
minyan is available), and the prayer "
El Malei Rachamim". The service may include a brief eulogy for the deceased.
Monuments Originally, it was not common practice to place names on tombstones. The general custom for engraving the name of the deceased on the monument is a practice that goes back (only) "the last several hundred years." Philosopher and
Halachic decisor,
Maimonides, likewise, ruled that it is not permissible to raise headstones over the graves of righteous men, but permits doing so for ordinary men. In contrast, the more recent custom of
Spanish Jewry, following the teachings of
Yitzhak Luria (
Shaʿar Ha-Mitzvot, Parashat Vayeḥi), is to build tombstones over the grave, seeing it as part of the complete atonement and amendment for those who have died. Likewise, Rabbi
Shelomo b. Avraham Aderet (RASHBA) wrote that it is a way of showing honor to the dead. In this manner the custom did spread, especially among the Jews of Spain, North Africa and
Ashkenaz. Today, in Israel, all Jewish graves are marked with headstones. ==Annual remembrances==